yuuo: (When you come back to me again)
I shuffle down the hall
Facing just one more day
Yesterday was such a nightmare
I can't stand without leaning on a wall

Help me, I'm drowning
Why can't anyone hear me scream?
But I need to go away now
They don't see this broken human being

I'm a fragile little flower
But I rage like the howling storm
Anger burns me up inside
And it's my demons that hold the power

I'm sinking into the abyss
I'm not ready to lave here, I'm not
But it's time they say
Just as I need them, they're giving a goodbye kiss

But it's just a passing thing, this shadow
It's just like Samwise said
I'll get there with my head held high
I won't always feel so low

Watch me spread my wings and fly
I'm going to reach for the sun
I know not to get too close
but I can still touch that sweet blue sky

Yesterday was my last day of partial. I am a free bird again.
yuuo: (If I'm alone I cannot hate)
The self-destructive depression has settled in. My thought journal is a mess of pleadings for someone to kill me or lock me up where I can't hurt anyone anymore. I... am oddly disassociated from the pain, and at the same time, am not. I feel it, oh how I feel it. It hurts, it burns, it aches, it makes my stomach seize up and my brain misfire and I feel like I'm about to erupt into flames and burn away into ashes.

But at the same time, I'm watching from a distance, oddly...calm. Curious. Wondering what this creature that's writing these things in the thought journal is and what it's doing. Detached and cool. It doesn't meany anything, these words. They're just spewing from the pen of a madwoman and it's so fascinating to watch.

And I'm ripping down the people I love the most in the process.

This is depression, folks. This is psychosis. This is mania. This is a mixed state. This is mental illness.
yuuo: (Bits of a star gone wrong)
I know what I want
And then I don't
Tick tock goes the clock
Back and forth
Back and forth

I don't know what I'm thinking
If there's even anything there at all
But I know what I'm not
Stable, stable
Okay, never okay

I'm lost inside this dizzy noise
I wanna scream and scream
I want to die
And sleep
And dream no more

Please stop your crying
I'll never do it again
I'll just be passive and quiet
I didn't realize I was scaring you
Give me a place to rest

Empty me out
Make me weightless
Maybe ol' Sarah was right
And I'll find some peace tonight
I just don't see that happening

Wring me out
Leave me to dry these tears
How many times am I going to have to do this?
How much time?
How many years?

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of me acting like you owe me this
I need-
I need that place to rest

If I give in
It'll eat me
Chew me up
And spit me out
But hey, happy hurts sometimes

Like the song says
I gotta ask
What's wrong with me when happy hurts?
What's worse,
Why I gotta scream

Until the air is fire
And I'm burning

I can't stop the screaming
Going on in my head
So make it stop
Let this end
But who am I supposed to be
When you take the sick away?
yuuo: (Don't leave me like this)
Nobody cares
Nobody hears
I speak into a void
My voice cracks and tears

When will this fragile little me
Figure out what's wrong
And how to be better?
I've wanted to be for so long

I need to shut my mouth
I always say things I don't mean
I should sometimes remember
Nobody knows how to read in-between

I thought they knew me better than that
I thought they knew at all
I guess I should've known better
It's my fault there's no hands to grab when I fall

But nobody hears
And nobody's home
So goodnight, sweet ladies
Go on and leave me here alone
yuuo: (Sweet Maria)
I wrote a song. Be nice to me, this is my first time. ::flutters eyelashes::

Oh Heaven

Oh heaven
Let me go
Oh heaven
Just leave me alone
Oh heaven
I'm walking away
Because all along
You were never going my way

Walk me down that aisle in white
Hear me pledge my undying devotion
But the congregation was all wearing black
The day-
Oh that day-
When the rest of my life was drowned in the ocean

Oh heaven
Let me go
Oh heaven
Just leave me alone
Oh heaven
I'm walking away
Because all along
You were never going my way

I gave you my oath, 'til the day that I died
I gave it all so you could take away
But you marked 'return to sender' a few bricks heavier
Then came the day-
Oh that day-
The shoulder you promised wasn't there when I cried

Oh heaven
Let me go
Oh heaven
Just leave me alone
Oh heaven
I'm walking away
Because all along
You were never going my way

Send me down that road of good intentions
Give me a map so I know where to go
And when I get to the end
Of that road of good intentions
I will at last have found my home

Walk me down that aisle shrouded in white
Hear me pledge my devotion to death and beyond
And now I pray-
Oh how I pray-
To break the bondage of that day

Oh heaven
Let me go
Oh heaven
Just leave me alone
Oh heaven
I'm walking away
Because all along-
Because all along-
Because all along-

Oh heaven
You were my hell
yuuo: (Can somebody help me?)
We'll start the week this year with a poem from my wife, describing the experiences I've related to her over the years. (This is in part to buy me time to do actual posts I've been promising. Good grief, at least I only have a week and not an entire month like breast cancer.)

Sounds Of Silver
By [personal profile] emilie_burns

Isolation in a crowd is loneliest of all
Amid all the voices, whispers rise and fall
People press around you, faceless in a haze
If there's a method in a madness, then method's surely crazed.

Perhaps if you're a half step in a world where rain falls up,
You see what should yet never did sip from comprehension's cup.
Sad but true, far more are blinded, fully turned away,
Cloaked and draped in silver fog, dissolving in the gray.

From the cacophony jangle of a tumultuous crowd,
To the low insidious whispers when the silence is so loud,
Colors can be lovely, the silver fog can seem to be melody divine
But even Sirens are serene as you sink that final time.

As you hear the sound of silver, there's an echo of distress,
Schizophrenia is a burden, and its struggle gives no rest.
Because if you'll open up your eyes and listen close,
The sound of silver is repeating the call of the SOS's note.

Hear us, help us, don't forget us, tossed carelessly aside.
Put quality of life within our reach and bridge the fog's divide.
We're not the misconceptions that Hollywood likes to hear,
Money and tickets hand over fist preying on social fears.

Fund research to find new drugs to help us stabilize,
So we might leave the land of fog and have productive lives.
In this sound of silver, hear our cry, the SOS distress.
Don't sweep us under and forget us, we try our very best.


yuuo: (Default)

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