.suuuuuck.

Sep. 11th, 2017 04:34 pm
yuuo: (Lay my head under the water)
It's a bad day. I woke up at about ten, but stayed in bed until 3:30, because I just... the thought of being upright and trying to function felt physically painful. I don't remember the last time I was this low. I only got up when I did because Wife came home from therapy and I needed to be up for her sake. She needs a functional partner, someone who doesn't spend all day in bed. So I'll be up when she's around for her sake.

This medicine shit is ridiculous.

I want to disappear. I want to curl in bed and just... disappear. Not exist. I'm not actively suicidal, but I wouldn't turn down not waking back up.

Depression and medicine roulette is so much fun.
yuuo: (The shape of love)
So Taylor Swift's new song, eh?

(Shut up, no making fun of her in my space. I've disliked a lot about her, but after the way she stood up in that trial over being sexually assaulted, she will forever be badass in my brain.)

Anyway, last day of the second week of partial.

Like I said before, we have two new people, both eighteen and way too young to be there. Why are children there? What kind of fucked up world puts children in the in-patient ward and then to partial?

Helmet Head and her bestie, 13 Funerals (long story I can't go into), were discharged today, and good riddance. Even if Helmet Head hadn't pissed me off by shaming me (which she didn't do again, though I notice she didn't apologize), she had... I don't know what all was going on with her, but damn, her energy levels. She was constantly bouncing in her seat, and it was starting to jack up my anxiety levels. I'll feel more comfortable with her gone.

Babies seem to think that it's okay to say "I'm on Abilify, what is that? An anti-psychotic?! But I ain't crazy!"

BITCH. FUCK YOU.

The guy that threw the cards at me last week has remarkably chilled down and he's actually pretty nice to talk to.

The Seroquel seems... to be working? In that I'm no longer completely suicidally depressed, just partly, and I haven't had a return of the voices or violence.

It is helpful, however, to have someone you can call and cry at when an anxiety attack is impending, especially if you have reason to fear you'll take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Example time!

Last night (Thursday at the time of this writing), Wife wanted to go to Food Net- I've mentioned it before, where Angry Guy scared the shit out of me. Since we were dead last last time, we would automatically be first this week. I didn't want to go. At all. I didn't believe that even being first, we'd get anything good, and another huge reason: crowded rooms like that sound like my audio hallucinations.

I don't really hear distinct individual voices. Sometimes I do- I got one guy that likes to tell me proudly that he's got a bag of shit, and a little girl who just says 'hello' over and over, but I'm really sick if I'm hearing them. Usually, what I hear, is human white noise. It's like being at a party, with a lot of people talking all at once with each other, and you're in the next room. You know those are human voices you're hearing, you just can't really make out anything being said.

So crowded, small spaces like Food Net are basically my personal hell. And Wife wanted to go.

I wanted to scream at her and tear her down until she changed her mind, but I knew that if we could snag some good food, we really did need it, and if we were first, we'd be in and out much faster than last time. But mostly that we needed the food.

So instead of freaking out at her, I called her sister and cried at her. She had no words of wisdom, but just having her hear me out and not get mad and say "it's okay, I understand" was enough. That's all I needed. And it kept me from starting a fight with my wife that could've easily escalated to violence again.

This is why a support system is so important. Make sure you have one. If you don't know anyone in your life you can talk to, PM me. I can't promise anything, but I can say "I understand it hurts." Because I do. No matter how irrational our pain is, it is real, and I understand.

Like I've said before, we're in this together.
yuuo: (Happy hurts sometimes)
Ended up not going to the hospital! Yay!

Ended up with medicine changes that wasn't what I was wanting, but at least we're attempting something to keep me out of the hospital, so yay!

Money.... not so yay.

Copay on prescriptions suddenly non-existent...? Uh.

I mean, not that my copays were high to begin with, $3.60 on my name brands, but this time, it was zero. Including on the name brand. I mean, if something's changed in my favor, cool, but I'd better call tomorrow to find out what, just so I don't get hit with back owed later down the line and not be able to pay then.

My wife's gift for me came in- I have a beautiful Captain America shrug with sleeves for my tank tops. ♥ And I now have a Slytherin notebook.

(Note: These things were ordered back when we had the money to spare, they're just now coming in the mail.)
yuuo: (Here's to us here's to love)
Wife's double-mastectomy went well. Surgeon said he got everything that looked abnormal out of her breast and lymph nodes. (I'd hope he got it all out of her breasts, he took those completely off.) What he took out looked like scar tissue to him, so it's possible she's 100% NED. (Note: NED, not cured. There is no cure for Stage IV breast cancer.) NED meants she's got a decent chance at being one of those tiny outliers who live decades beyond diagnosis. She's already made it past the average three years, and is running strong.

The surgery to remove her ovaries was also successful- they did those at the same time.

She is home, and kinda fading in and out regularly from pain and painkillers. (Hydrocodone/Ibuprofen is a magical thing, and also, if you have issues with Acetaminophen for whatever reason, like my wife, whose cancer had metastasized to her liver, demand this stuff. It's one of the only opiates that's stronger than Tramadol that doesn't come only with Tylenol in it.) But at this exact second, she's up and coherent and on her laptop.

Photographer friend, is who is the first father I became friends with and therefore is very important to us, is leaving today, and it saddens me. Wife's parents leave in a few more days, and Wife's best friend/heart sister is showing up right after that, so I have help with Wife's drains and general care at least until she's at a point where I can do it by myself without having a meltdown. I love my wife, will do anything for her, but uh. I'm not a natural caretaker. I'm not a white mage. I'm the defender. I will fight to the death for her, but medical care is a bit beyond me, at least for long term. So family and friends are all in town to help and I'm so grateful for it.

I'm getting excited to be roleplaying on IJ again. I've been getting some with Wife, but that's on hold until she's fully coherent on a regular basis and can tag without feeling wonky. But, my own heart-sister is joining in, and I'll be playing with her in the meantime. ^_^ Happy me is happy.

I've been kinda plugging away at Hephaestus in the meantime, and Prometheus will be picked back up once I know what's going on in the parts those two overlap at the end. I have a chapter in there to finish now, but it's smushy fluff, and while I love smushy fluff, I have trouble writing it. I'm that writer who likes to rip up your heart and use it for lawn mulch with little reprieve. Suffer my pen. Mwaha.

Cats are doing fine, all told. Loki got his annual and his three year rabies on Wednesday, and Wife went in for surgery on Thursday, so he is more riled than the others. Lots of new people, constantly invading their space (we had some other friends over last night for weekly gaming session), one of them ended up taking a dump on the floor out of stress protest, and we think it might've been Loki, but we're not sure. Thankfully, it was Carolyn who was here to clean it up, and I was at the hospital, so I didn't have to deal with that. :p I'm such a nice person (I would've done it if it'd been me to discover it. I'm not terrible to my cats.)

Although, speaking of taking care of the cats, I need to clean their box. Will do that when I'm done here.

On the mental health front, my doctor put me on clonazapam for my anxiety, since the Ativan had just stopped working and the hydroxyzine was only good for low grade treatment. It puts me to sleep, but it calms my mind in the process. The Ativan put me to sleep, but I was still wound up tighter than a spring when I'd wake up.

I also got my Fetzima upped, because not only is it an anti-depressant, being an SNRI instead of an SSRI, it helps with anxiety... and energy levels. So in about a week, I should start seeing an end to my hypersomnia, at least the level it's been at. It's caffeine pills in the meantime so I can be up when Wife needs me.

And now, I run to do that cat box. Have a good day, friends.
yuuo: (Blood blood blood)
It is hailing. The weather has me down. I am wide awake after a good sleep on a good couch that was good for my back, but Wife is asleep and so drugged that I couldn't even let her know that I might need help with the cats if the weather goes really shitty before she fell right back to sleep on me. And I just called her friends out on something that they do that bothers me, and now I'm scared for the repercussions. I don't have the goddamn energy to deal with their whining.

(Long story short: They flirt aggressively with her, and I don't think they even realize they do. One was so bad that even Wife felt uncomfortable from it, and this woman would come onto my Facebook wall to talk about taking Wife to bed. Platonically, but hello, her wife is right here? That's her bed you're talking about? Not okay?????? But her other friends like to throw kissing emojis at her, and while I trust Wife, I don't feel comfortable with people I don't even know getting that cozy with my wife. I appreciate their love and support for her, I really do, and I don't mind hugs and love and hearts and such. But the kissing, even in pretend, makes me really unhappy. Like, do they not understand boundaries?????????? That's someone's wife you're doing that with???? I wouldn't even mind if they caveated it with a "tell your wife to give you a kiss, because I think you deserve one!" or something to that effect. That firmly acknowledges healthy boundaries, while still wishing the love on Wife that she deserves. Why is this apparently a novelty to them???????)

I just foresee this shit coming from a mile away, and Wife is asleep, so now I have to lie in this bed I just made by myself, but if I didn't establish this boundary, there was going to be problems down the line that might alienate Wife's friends, and they really do give her so much love and support, I don't want her to lose that, or resent me for being the cause of it.

But, no energy for their bitching about how Dark Schneider-y I'm being. Fuck them.

And in all of it, not only do I get to face this alone, I also have nothing to focus on that doesn't give me anxiety through the roof, if it can distract me any from this source of anxiety.

/sinks into a black hole of depression

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