yuuo: (Sunny came home with a vengeance)
I can't give names, I can't give details. Those are the rules of partial.

But since it's known as a general mental health recovery group, some subjects are going to inevitably come up, and I don't have to explain how to write my perspectives on these subjects.

Nor do I have to say how they came up to express my rage and humiliation and pain at being publicly shamed for the illness I have. In a fucking psychiatric partial hospitalization program.

Domestic violence came up. It's not an uncommon subject in groups like these, though I don't recall it coming up the last time I was in. But it did today. Everyone was giving their perspectives, and I apparently made the 'mistake' of piping up with my own experience- as the abuser.

Yes, I am abusive. I am controlling. I tear people down.

There are a variety of reasons, and they don't change the damage I do, but they at least give it a reason, a rhyme, a name of the madness.

My psychosis manifests a rage syndrome. I black out and become violent. Anti-psychotics control it. That's why I'm in partial, because I changed my meds and needed a close vigil on them becaue they were changed for this very reason.

I am an abuse victim. When I was seven, my mother spanked me with the buckle end of the belt out of anger because I wasn't a good enough babysitter for my two year old brother. She raised welts on him- a two year old -for leaving the yard when I wasn't looking. That was my whole life growing up, and even into adulthood.

There's a few things to remember here.

1) When my rage syndrome hits, I black out. I have very fuzzy awareness of what's going on and it takes forever to pull me back down enough to understand my surroundings.

2) Abuse victims often learn to express their pain through lashing out, in the way they were taught- with violence.

3) I am an abuse victim that was taught to react to things that angered me with violence. This teaching goes back before this wretched illness.

These things add up so that when the rage hits, my brain reacts the way it was conditioned from an early age- physically lash out.

And I explained all this, very carefully, while suggesting that sometimes, it's not a case of someone who should be dumped by the street corner (it often is, and I said as much), but that sometimes, as long as we are seeking treatment and cooperating with it, we just need someone to have enough compassion and love and patience for us to pull us out of this dark place that we do not like living in.

This was enough to make one woman snap very loudly that there's 'no excuse for beating the crap out of someone'.

Then she left the room in a huff with her cigarettes, fifteen minutes before break even started.

I don't know what baggage she's lugging around with her, but it is never okay to shame a mentally ill person for how their illness manifests, especially when they're getting help for it..

She publicly humiliated me, shamed me, and caused me to want to hide under the table and cry.

Fortunately, this woman only goes MWF now, which means I won't see her tomorrow.

But what she did, folks? Is not fucking okay. No, what I have done in my black outs isn't either, but I have no more control over those than a diabetic has over going into a diabetic coma because of no or inadequate treatment. (Yes, this is a perfect analogy.) It's no more right to condemn me and my behavior than it is to condone it.

Why?

BECAUSE IT IS NOT MY MOTHER FUCKING FAULT.

The social worker who was running the group at the time pulled me out immediately afterwards to head off the problem at the pass, reminded me that Helmet Head (my not nice name for this other woman) doesn't understand psychosis and schizophrenia illnesses, and that she would not let it happen again. Then she helped me talk through the worst of the storm so that I didn't go back in there loaded for bear and ready to pick a fight.

I will, however, being finishing that fight if it doesn't get dropped goddamn fast. I will not tolerate being shamed and attacked in a place that's supposed to be safe for me to heal in.

Folks, stand up for yourselves. And don't let people who don't 'get it' shame you for your illness. Work to get better, work towards treatment, but don't- and I mean this -don't let someone tell you you're a terrible person because you're ill, or that there's no 'excuse' for your behavior when they do not fucking understand.

It is not your fault.

Let me repeat that, louder for those of you in the back:

It is not your fault.

Now, to bed, as I plan to be pretty tomorrow.
yuuo: (Happy hurts sometimes)
I spent most of last night crying and trying to figure out what I did to deserve hurting like this.

In my now slightly more rational moment, I need to tell everyone- all of us -who suffers from a mental illness.


It's not our fault.


It's not. We didn't do anything to deserve this, this isn't divine punishment for some wrong we did as children. This isn't part of some great 'plan' that includes human suffering for no good reason. It simply is something that happened, just like some people get cancer, or have diabetes, or are born with a brain degenerative disorder.

But lord, does it hurt. And it's okay to hurt. And it's okay to cry. (Yes, I stole that line.)

Please, if you are suffering, find a doctor. If you are suffering and need help to stay safe, call a suicide hotline- I'll list some below -or go to your local mental health ER. They're not always the best, but you might get lucky and get one like mine.

It's not your fault.

And you shouldn't have to suffer. Certainly not alone.

We're in this together.




Suicide Hotlines

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
(Also has chat feature; hit up google to find it.)


http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
(A list of hotlines by state)


Suicide.org
1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)


Military Veterans Suicide Hotline:
1-800-273-TALK
(Press 1)


Suicide Hotline in Spanish:
1-800-273-TALK
(Press 2)


LGBT Youth Suicide Hotline:
1-866-4-U-TREVOR


http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
List of lines for outside the US


Or, call 911, or go to your nearest Mental Health ER


Please, get help. We don't have to feel like this.
yuuo: (If I'm alone I cannot hate)
The self-destructive depression has settled in. My thought journal is a mess of pleadings for someone to kill me or lock me up where I can't hurt anyone anymore. I... am oddly disassociated from the pain, and at the same time, am not. I feel it, oh how I feel it. It hurts, it burns, it aches, it makes my stomach seize up and my brain misfire and I feel like I'm about to erupt into flames and burn away into ashes.

But at the same time, I'm watching from a distance, oddly...calm. Curious. Wondering what this creature that's writing these things in the thought journal is and what it's doing. Detached and cool. It doesn't meany anything, these words. They're just spewing from the pen of a madwoman and it's so fascinating to watch.

And I'm ripping down the people I love the most in the process.

This is depression, folks. This is psychosis. This is mania. This is a mixed state. This is mental illness.

.christ.

Aug. 16th, 2017 08:56 pm
yuuo: (Born unto fire)
There are already Nazis here in Lincoln. They've been spotted, tiki torches and all, at the capitol building.

Glad I got my weapons back from my brother.

Remember, when calling 911 to report a dangerous situation (as is any with a Nazi), describe the other person, including what they're wearing. Then describe yourself, including what you're wearing, because presumably, you'd like the cops to not shoot at you if there's an altercation, tell them that you feel afraid for your life. Don't tell them anything else regarding why you may take any actions you take, if you get physically violent with the Nazi. Just say you feel afraid for your life. Say that if necessary, yes, you want to be taken to the hospital afterwards, but no, you will not be making a statement until you've sought legal counsel. If an officer asks why after the mess is over, tell them you're too emotionally unstable from fear and adrenaline crash to be able to be reliable, and you'd like to seek legal counsel.

Period, full stop, run program.

After that, it's up to you. Each person must decide how much they are capable of giving in this fight. We should all be violently opposed to Nazis, and quite frankly, if you can do it and not get swarmed, I'd say go for it. But be careful, be aware of your situation and your surroundings, and be mindful of your physical capabilities. If you have a bad hand, try not to punch with that one, for example. Fight back. #resist. But don't be stupid.

That's your PSA for the day.
yuuo: (I don't need to be the king of the world)
Ugh, that song's stuck in my head now.

Partial continues to go well. There was... not quite a spat, but something that angered me deeply that I can't get too far into, due to privacy reasons, but it came down to one person's opinions on suicide and 'choice' and I was ready to go off my nut at that person. I don't think this person is actually mentally ill, they're in for a near nervous breakdown due to extreme grief (lots of losses very rapidly in the last few years, one in the last month, I think), so I don't think this person fully understands what it's like to battle your own brain day in, day out, day in, day out, all your goddamn life, with little to no hope of recovering.

'Choice' my ass.

Speaking of, we watched an old video called Dark Glasses and Kaleidoscopes, which I saw last time I was in, about bipolar disorder. It's quite a bit dated, they were still calling it manic depressive, and it was hosted by the guy that played Mister Cleaver in Leave It To Beaver, although he was significantly older in this video than he had been in the show. But that dates it a bit, I think.

It's not a bad one, and it explains a lot why some people can't take anti-depressants, if they have manic tendencies, or even full blown mania. Anti-depressants can trigger a 'high' like that, which I think is what my doctor decided was going on with my Fetzima. Which makes me question my diagnosis of schizoaffective (yeah, that was officially changed from schizophrenia to that, but since it's so closely related, I maintain my advocacy for schizophrenia) as the depressive type. I can't help but wonder if it's not bipolar type.

Which would very much suck, as that makes anti-depressants a tricky game. I can't function without them, but I apparently can't function with them. "I hear there's a fine line between crazy and sad, but I can't tell the difference up close."

But this video talking about mania, and especially hypomania, and how it can seem like a 'natural personality' to someone, particularly the person with the disorder, and some people were asking that inevitable question that we all ask and get asked (frequently) - "When you take the sick away, who am I supposed to be?"

And it's not an easy question to answer. If you've spent so much time swinging between two extremes, who's that person in the middle? Does that person exist? How can you tell what's 'normal' and what's the illness? I think that might be harder for some disorders than others to answer, but we all ask it. And it's not one we can easily answer, and it's one that haunts us and chews on us.

But it is infuriating when an outsider asks it. When someone who's not there, who's not in our heads, who's not in these same places we are, asks "how do you know that's who you really are on the drugs?" or makes some stupid comment about how the drugs make you someone you're not.

NO.

Just like with suicide and choices, until you are down here, drowning in this mud and blood and these tears, you do not get to tell us that we have to stay off of medicines because of our 'natural personality'. You don't understand, we may not know who entirely we are when we're healthy, but that person is far better off than we are now! I don't care if it does 'change me' to go from a depressed and spazzy mess to a normal and happy person. I would rather be a stranger to myself and learn to know myself and who I am without the sick than to stay sick.

So don't you dare come into our spaces and make those remarks. Don't you dare.

Onto more personal news in this.

The Latuda made me sick after lunch again. Thankfully, the doctor listened to me when I said "I want something to make me stop being sick all the time," and prescribed me a short term prescription of Zofram. I'm to use it until the nausea goes away, or until I run out, whichever happens first, and if the nausea continues after a week of mild treatment, I'm to go back to my regular doctor and let him know that one of those drugs - pretty sure the Latuda, since the nausea coincides with me taking it, but the doctor reminded me that I'm also going through Fetzima withdrawal and that could be adding to the problem - and tell him that I either need this medicine long-term, or I need something else done to eliminate this problem. Because he agreed that I shouldn't have to go through this every day of my life.

Hopefully, I'll get sleep tonight so I'm properly rested tomorrow. That'd be faboo.
yuuo: (Default)


I love this group so much, but this song continues to bug me. I get what they're going for, but... it bothers me on a deep level. Especially this part-

"We throw tantrums like parties
We're not happy 'til everyone knows we're sick
And that's just how we like it
We've hurt bad enough, right, we've earned it

Don't tell the others but it's all getting old
I mean how many more times must our stories be told?"

I'll tell you how many more times our stories must be told. Again and again and again and always just one more time, even when/if we finally get the world to understand that WHAT WE HAVE FOR TREATMENT RIGHT NOW IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. That the social stigma is NOT OKAY. Keep doing it, lest they forget and things get bad again.

Always just one more time. Always.
yuuo: (You knew the deal- no one gives a damn)
Said to an in-law on Facebook. Cousin-in-law said he hated dealing with crazy people- crazy people turned out to be unmedicated mentally ill person. Cousin-in-law's mother replied with 'there's a world of them out there.'

Excuse you.

"About 18% of the American population is affected by anxiety- that's over 40 million, many of them my generation- the millennials -and the ones after us. Depression affects 6.7% of the population- that's over 15 million of us. 2.6% for bipolar- over 5.7 million. 1% affected by schizophrenia - 3.2 million. Worldwide, 1.5 million more will be diagnosed with that this year. My disorder is schizoaffective- we're about the same as schizophrenia, a little less, actually.

Yes, there is a whole world of us out there. And we're suffering. We're suffering and too many of us aren't getting any help, or the help we're getting is insufficient. I just had a medicine change because I was suffering from violent psychosis again. We had to up my anti-psychotic and take me off my anti-depressant because it's the only thing that had changed to possibly have caused the manic-like psychosis. I will soon have nothing treating my depression.

Over 41 thousand people will kill themselves this year. Most of them are people with mental illnesses.

There's a whole world of us and we're _dying_.

Please be careful how cavalierly you say 'there's a whole world of them out there'. We're not a 'them'. We're people, and we're suffering, and we're DYING."

.psa.

Jul. 22nd, 2017 02:28 pm
yuuo: (So I'm breaking the habit tonight)
My anti-depressant is supposed to be working, but the last two days, I've been so depressed that I'm forming suicidal ideation again.

For anyone going through this but doesn't like to talk on phones, text 741741. It's a Crisis Line, same as the phone ones, but you'll get talked through with text messages, instead of talking out loud. Good for a lot of reasons. Some of us have phone anxiety, and not everyone's in a position to be able to use an out loud voice at the moment they need the help.
yuuo: (This is my family)
We are not alone. We are more common than AIDS/HIV. We are more common than multiple sclerosis.


Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd
Peter Green of Fleetwood Mac
Mary Todd Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln's wife


These are but three people in the long and rich history of humankind who have suffered from schizophrenia. Best known might be John Nash, famous mathematician whose story was told in A Beautiful Mind.

But not all of our experiences are like what is shown with John. Some of us are a bit more sedate. Some of us are violent, though very few. Some of us hear voices, but see no source for them. Still others see, but not hear. Both are terrifying.

We are not alone. We can be obscure, but we can also be very famous. Don't push us into the shadows.
yuuo: (Can somebody help me?)
We'll start the week this year with a poem from my wife, describing the experiences I've related to her over the years. (This is in part to buy me time to do actual posts I've been promising. Good grief, at least I only have a week and not an entire month like breast cancer.)


Sounds Of Silver
By [personal profile] emilie_burns

Isolation in a crowd is loneliest of all
Amid all the voices, whispers rise and fall
People press around you, faceless in a haze
If there's a method in a madness, then method's surely crazed.

Perhaps if you're a half step in a world where rain falls up,
You see what should yet never did sip from comprehension's cup.
Sad but true, far more are blinded, fully turned away,
Cloaked and draped in silver fog, dissolving in the gray.

From the cacophony jangle of a tumultuous crowd,
To the low insidious whispers when the silence is so loud,
Colors can be lovely, the silver fog can seem to be melody divine
But even Sirens are serene as you sink that final time.

As you hear the sound of silver, there's an echo of distress,
Schizophrenia is a burden, and its struggle gives no rest.
Because if you'll open up your eyes and listen close,
The sound of silver is repeating the call of the SOS's note.

Hear us, help us, don't forget us, tossed carelessly aside.
Put quality of life within our reach and bridge the fog's divide.
We're not the misconceptions that Hollywood likes to hear,
Money and tickets hand over fist preying on social fears.

Fund research to find new drugs to help us stabilize,
So we might leave the land of fog and have productive lives.
In this sound of silver, hear our cry, the SOS distress.
Don't sweep us under and forget us, we try our very best.
yuuo: (Happy hurts sometimes)
We have a week! (For those of you new here, my profile states that I have schizophrenia, although it's more complicated than that. I'll put up a post... uh, maybe some time today, but at least during that week explaining the whole she-bang.)

Schizophrenia Awareness Week is May 17th through May 23rd this year. Our ribbon color is silver, although since I know most people don't have silver clothing beyond jewelry, if you wanna show support for us, grey will do in a pinch.

(Yes, I use the British spelling for 'grey'. I use 'theatre' too, instead of 'theater'. I have no idea why at this point. You're just gonna have to get used to it if you hang out around here.)
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