Jun. 29th, 2017

yuuo: (I won't let you fall apart)
So I may or may not have snuck away with a Ritalin, and boy, am I awake and working and productive and focused enough to actually do those things.

I fucking miss having my own Ritalin. I really do.

Now, back to writing. I just sold a kid to a human trafficker. Must keep up the good work.
yuuo: (Can somebody help me?)
So I got a call from United Health Care, who are partnered with Nebraska state Medicaid, to follow up on their services, make sure I'm getting what I'm needing from them, and help them figure out where the gaps are and how to fix them, which, I think, is fucking fantastic.

What's odd is that she was confirming my diagnoses, and mentioned that she had bipolar on her record. Which... was news to me. I asked her what my psychiatrist had on record, and she confirmed schizoaffective and anxiety, which... is also odd. My formal evaluation testing came up with those diagnoses, but the doctor went in and did some futzing with the diagnoses so that while the anxiety/panic disorder was correct, I had schizophrenia and possible depression.

I have no idea where the bipolar came in.

And, of course, I can't get into my patient portal for that provider without calling the office for a new link to register with (weird set up, but at least it's with the same portal system as my PCP, so I can switch between the two providers with one login) to see what the fresh hell is up with that.

It is also just now occurring to me that my therapist might've submitted the bipolar diagnosis, since she is licensed to make such calls. Which means I'm super happy that she's volunteering to come with me to my next appointment with my doctor.

My wife wanted to go with me originally to help me remember all the complaints I've had, because not only do I have such a shitty memory that I lose track, I get a bit anxious just seeing the doctor and get afraid that I'm not 'perfect enough' if I'm not responding to his treatments well.

But. Well. We got a letter in the mail on Saturday.

My wife's bilateral mastectomy is the sixth.

Which.

Is when my appointment is.

And I can't reschedule, because I'll run out of my meds before I can get in again, and they won't refill without an office visit anymore. Thankfully, when this came to light at therapy on Monday, my therapist was wonderful and volunteered to come with me, since she has been taking notes on my various concerns and I haven't been, and again, the anxiety and shitty memory. I used to have a decent one, then my disorder got out of control, and the meds I was put on for it fried what was left of my memory neurons.
yuuo: (Blood blood blood)
It is hailing. The weather has me down. I am wide awake after a good sleep on a good couch that was good for my back, but Wife is asleep and so drugged that I couldn't even let her know that I might need help with the cats if the weather goes really shitty before she fell right back to sleep on me. And I just called her friends out on something that they do that bothers me, and now I'm scared for the repercussions. I don't have the goddamn energy to deal with their whining.

(Long story short: They flirt aggressively with her, and I don't think they even realize they do. One was so bad that even Wife felt uncomfortable from it, and this woman would come onto my Facebook wall to talk about taking Wife to bed. Platonically, but hello, her wife is right here? That's her bed you're talking about? Not okay?????? But her other friends like to throw kissing emojis at her, and while I trust Wife, I don't feel comfortable with people I don't even know getting that cozy with my wife. I appreciate their love and support for her, I really do, and I don't mind hugs and love and hearts and such. But the kissing, even in pretend, makes me really unhappy. Like, do they not understand boundaries?????????? That's someone's wife you're doing that with???? I wouldn't even mind if they caveated it with a "tell your wife to give you a kiss, because I think you deserve one!" or something to that effect. That firmly acknowledges healthy boundaries, while still wishing the love on Wife that she deserves. Why is this apparently a novelty to them???????)

I just foresee this shit coming from a mile away, and Wife is asleep, so now I have to lie in this bed I just made by myself, but if I didn't establish this boundary, there was going to be problems down the line that might alienate Wife's friends, and they really do give her so much love and support, I don't want her to lose that, or resent me for being the cause of it.

But, no energy for their bitching about how Dark Schneider-y I'm being. Fuck them.

And in all of it, not only do I get to face this alone, I also have nothing to focus on that doesn't give me anxiety through the roof, if it can distract me any from this source of anxiety.

/sinks into a black hole of depression

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